The Longest Shortest Time

EPISODE #48: The Parents’ Guide to Doing It

Welcome to our Sex & Parenthood series!
We’re so glad you’re here. It is high time we talk about this topic in the bold, head-on way that it deserves. We’re kicking off the series with some real, actionable (and NSFW) sex advice with Dan Savage and Jane Marie. Find out about the rest of the series here.

Why sex advice for parents? Everyone knows those two things don’t go together.
It doesn’t have to be that way. Sure, sex doesn’t come easily when you have kids. But there are tricks to getting around the exhaustion, the breastfeeding, postpartum pain, and those I’m-just-a-mom blahs. And in this episode, our experts tell all.

P.S. Most of their tips are super helpful for non-parents too!

Who are Dan Savage and Jane Marie?
Dan Savage is a writer, TV personality, and activist best known for his political and social commentary, as well as his honest approach to sex, love and relationships in his sex advice column Savage Love and his podcast Savage Lovecast. In September 2010, Dan created a YouTube video with his husband Terry Miller to inspire hope for LGBT young people facing harassment, which launched the It Gets Better Project. Dan lives in Seattle with his husband Terry and their teenage son DJ. He wrote about adopting DJ in his book The Kid.

Jane Marie is a former This American Life producer. She went on to co-edit the Hairpin where she created the How to Be a Girl beauty series and instructional videos. She now writes for Rookie and Cosmopolitan.com, where she has a column called The Secret Life of Marrieds. Jane lives in Los Angeles with her husband Julian McCullough (from our episode 37) and their daughter Goldie.

Resources for a healthy sex life
Well, for starters, you should, of course, check out Dan’s column, listen to his podcast, and read his book American Savage.

Dan recommends Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity to get a better handle on why longterm domestic relationships are the enemy of eros, and what you can do about it. He encourages women with extended pelvic pain (and their partners!) to check out an article that Dr. Lori Brotto contributed to Savage Love about why pelvic pain may persist even after it has been treated. Pelvic pain, by the way, is the topic of our next episode in this series, so we will have loads of resources on that to come. If swinging is your thing, Dan says Swingland by Daniel Stern is a good primer.

UPDATE: For more books that will help moms reclaim their sex lives, check out this post.

Jane likes the blog (with NSFW GIFs) Orgasmic Tips for Girls, which has lots of how-to’s and tips that’ll just make you feel like orgasms are normal. Which brings me to the resource at the top of her list: talking. With your partner, your friends, a therapist, anyone. “People don’t like to do it for some reason,” she says, “but it’s crucial. I feel like the discourse online is either meant to scare or shock or condemn or sensationalize this very, very normal part of our lives.” Bravo, Jane! I couldn’t have said it better. Really, that’s the whole point of this series.

And so. Let’s talk about sex & parenthood.
We need YOU to help keep this conversation going. *Please* leave a comment with your own experiences (anonymous is fine!). Tell us what has worked for you. What hasn’t worked? What resources do you like? And respond to each other, too. Let’s change the online discourse about sex & parenthood! You. And me. And all of us.

Dan Savage headshot: LaRae Lobdell; Jane Marie headshot: Amy Touchette

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