Babymaking While Queer


Babymaking While Queer

Remember Kirya from episode 59? How, as a kid, she freestyled a rap about being Black to her single white mom? Well, Kirya’s not rapping about race anymore, but she’s still thinking about race a lot. Especially when it comes to having kids. Which she knows she wants. But as a woman in a queer relationship, she’s not exactly sure how she’ll make that happen.

Kirya told us that many of her friends are in the same boat—navigating the often confusing waters of queer family planning. So we invited Kirya and her partner Steph into the studio, along with Sasha and Crystal—a couple they’re close with—to hash out their options.

Kirya holding Steph’s hand, the day they got engaged

Sasha and Crystal enjoying a sunny day in February

Tune in for a lively roundtable discussion on the complex world of modern baby-making—and how your own childhood and cultural background can deeply inform what path you decide to take.

Resources for LGBTQ Family Planning
As you’ll hear in this episode, Kirya and her pals attended an LGBTQ family planning workshop to help give them an overview of their options for babymaking. You specific options will vary depending on your location, but here are a couple of comprehensive national resources to get you started. Note: we are not covering adoption or foster care here because, while the couples we featured in this show are open to those ideas, they are hoping to first try for a child that is biologically related to at least one of them first.

For everyone: Of course, LGBTQ folks aren’t the only people seeking the help of reproductive technology, and Path2Parenthood is a resource for everyone. Their site has a find a professional search to help you find legal or medical experts in your area. They also have events held nationwide.

For LGBTQ: Gay Parents To Be has resources for all kinds of queer couples at all steps of the process from legal, to financial, to medical. They also have an events and seminars page with national webinars and local events around the country.

Are YOU trying to figure out how to start a family in something other than the “old-fashioned” way?
How does your own family history or culture play into your decision-making? Does your partner have different ideas? Help us keep this roundtable going! Talk to each other, in the comments.

Kirya top image: Tonilyn Sideco

Our sponsors for this episode are Squarespace, Madison Reed (code: LONGSHORT), Yogi Teas, and Wunder Capital. Use the promo codes at checkout for a special discount.

24 thoughts on “EPISODE #114: Babymaking While Queer

  1. I’m a queer cis-woman with a POC (filipino) trans partner. I loved this episode! We’ve been pregnant twice (both ended in loss) through anonymous sperm donor, tried many times with a known donor, and gotten deep into the foster-to-adopt process. At this point, we are moving towards being embryo recipients, a path that doesn’t seem to be well-known (at least amongst our queer community). Embryo donation organizations are often aligned with conservative Christianity and anti-choice values; at first I thought we’d be discriminated against. But there are more inclusive embryo donation resources. Mixed-race and/or POC embryos are also less readily available than white/euro-descent embryos, but they are out there. The cost is about half of cost of IVF (with your eggs), and a third of the cost of the average private adoption. It’s a pretty great option in-between biological parenthood and adoption. Just want others to be aware of this, as it took us a long time to get here!

  2. I almost didn’t listen to this episode because it sounded boring. There have already been episodes about couples who just have sperm or just have eggs trying to make babies. And the title sounded like you weren’t offering anything fresh or new – just telling us (again) that it’s hard to make babies when you don’t have all the material and the laws aren’t always friendly to you. You don’t call the episodes about straight folks having babies “Baby-Making While Hetero” – you give us a teaser about the people we are going to meet – something more compelling than just Cis-Gender-Hetero-Couples-Want-to-Make-Babies. So why the laziness with this title?

  3. I have just listened to this episode and feel utterly compelled to say to Steph that as a white British heterosexual woman that my heart ached to hear you feel that the “world hates you”. Please know I am raising my (ivf conceived) son and daughter to be empathetic, compassionate feminists to ensure the next generation of black queer women do not have similar feelings. You are loved and valued. Thank you for sharing your “story”.

  4. Me and my partner are now mothers to our 4 monthes old, some of the pricess was soooo easy and obvioud, and some was so hard and confusing.
    For me, being pregnant automaticlly made me hetro in the eyes of strangers, made me really think about – do I need to look queer? Maybe I like looking stright, maybe not. For my partner, explainning haveing a baby without haveing had givven birth, is also an issue. Getting ready for birth, going to doctor appointments and explainning she’s not my sister (though we look nothing alike) , also the decision where to give birth since some of the best places around us are religiouse, we had to really think where to gi which will be friendly and accepting.
    Now, haveing a baby, rises tones of questions about parenting while being qeer – I want to hear that episode!

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