This is Part 3 of a three-part series on Natural Birth. Click here for Part 1 and Part 2.
All this month we’ve been digging deep into the subject of natural childbirth. First I attempted to rewrite the way I tell my own traumatic birth story; then I asked homebirth guru Ina May Gaskin if she thinks there’s a way to revise the natural birth community’s message, to be more inclusive of people like me who wanted a birth free of medical interventions and didn’t get one. Today we bring you a story about a woman—poet Arielle Greenberg—who has had three extremely positive natural birth experiences. Even the one in which she gave birth to a stillborn baby.
To be clear, Arielle’s son Day died long before he was born; the fact that it was a homebirth had nothing whatsoever to do with his death.
The forest where Day is buried
Day’s grave marker
After Day died, Arielle realized all she had left was the birth. And that this experience had the potential to completely shatter her. She believed that her path to emerging whole from this birth was to have a natural birth at home. But Certified Professional Midwives—the kind of midwife trained in homebirth—were illegal in Illinois, where she lived*. So she went to extraordinary lengths to have the kind of birth she wanted. I’ll let you tune in to find out exactly how.
*CPMs are still illegal in Illinois. Check out this map to see the status of CPMs in your state.
Arielle wrote about her pregnancy with Day in Home/Birth, a book in which she trades lines with her friend and fellow-poet Rachel Zucker. The bulk of the book was written before Day had died. She also writes about all three of her homebirths in Labor Day, a collection of personal essays about birth. Arielle is also a contributing editor for the pregnancy loss chapter in the 40th anniversary edition of Our Bodies, Ourselves.
Before having Day, Arielle had a daughter, Willa. And two years after losing Day, she gave birth to Jem, a healthy baby boy.
Willa and Arielle’s husband Rob at Day’s grave
Arielle and Jem
How Do You Ritualize Pregnancy Loss?
Every year around the anniversary of Day’s death, Arielle hangs sun ornaments in the window—they add a new ornament to commemorate each year that he’s been gone.
Did you experience a stillbirth? Or even a late miscarriage? Please tell us about your rituals in the comments below.
Stillbirth Resources
In this story, I talk about how difficult it is to find statistics on stillbirth because all countries define stillbirth differently. In 2011 the Lancet did a series on stillbirth that has some of the best available data and research on the subject.
We asked our mamas Facebook group for their favorite stillbirth resources. Many of the links below come from the recommendations we received.
Lots of recommendations came in for Elizabeth McCracken’s memoir An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination.
A friend of mine found Glow in the Woods to be an invaluable blog after having a stillbirth.
1st Breath has some nice guidelines for friends and family about how to talk to bereaved parents.
SHARE is a national support organization for pregnancy loss.
Empty Arms is a bereavement support center in Western Mass, where you can find in-person support if you are local, and a whole lot more online resources if you are not. Here is a Lactation After Loss brochure that they put out. (If you have found a local bereavement support center that has helped you, feel free to leave a link in the comments.)
Dads grieve too, and Grieving Dads is a blog specifically for them.
Documentary photographer Todd Hochberg captures stillbirth in all of its complexity in his project Touching Souls.
What a moving and beautiful story. I cried on and off throughout, yet the passion and commitment to be present in any situation has left me feeling hopeful and inspired after listening. We never know why we are here, but I think if we can make the world a little better for someone else, we have served our purpose. By sharing this story, I guaranted that many women and families for years to come will benefit. Very, very courageous of all involved. Love and peace to you and your family.
What a poetic story to show how meaningful coincidence can bring peace to all involved. Ava was brought to your family lives and it sounds as if it had great meaning to hers as well. Thanks for sharing a very personal life changing experience.
I’m very sorry to say that I started out listening to this podcast episode thinking that Arielle’s ideas about traveling to give birth seemed a little out there. But, as this story unfolded I recognized that moms are brilliant – we all truly know what is best for us, for our situations. I’m so glad you found the support and guidance you needed.
Arielle, your story is beautiful. It has impacted me in ways I cannot describe. Your strength is words and ability to throughly describe your thoughts……amazing.
I’ll be thinking of you often.
This story was so beautiful. I am thankful for the growing number of thoughtful discussions on end-of-life issues, especially those that can embrace the positive and beautiful side of death.
I stumbled on this resource today online and wanted to share. Angel Gowns offer free baby gowns to hospitals and families for last pictures or burial, made from recycled wedding dresses. They have received such an outpouring of donations that they can’t accept any more right now.
http://www.nicuhelpinghands.org/lend-a-helping-hand/angel-gowns/
Thank you for this fantastic podcast, I love it!
My sister had a still born son at around 35 weeks. He was due the first week of Dec. Since then they always have cupcakes on his birthday. And on the anniversary of her due date she and her family go shopping for a toy that would be appropriate for a boy the age he would be now and donate it to Toys for Tots.
Such an incredible, beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing about your journey with such honesty. My heart aches for you and your family, but is simultaneously so full of joy for you – your birth experiences are wonderful to hear about, and your intention and integrity are inspiring. As a fellow home-birthing mama, I know that feeling you spoke of and I completely understand why you chose what you chose for your births. You are amazing.
I typically listen to your podcast while I’m working. Usually I am laughing and nodding in agreement and taking little notes. This time, I sat still in anticipation, hanging on each word, holding my breath and near the end, tears just started rolling. See, I lost a daughter, Avery, 4 years ago and my friend, who also listens to your podcast kindly warned me of episode #29.
Arielle is so brave, much like all mommies who have lost their little babies. Our stories are very, very different and yet I found myself remembering how I felt and imagining that we had similar feelings during our period of waiting for the day to come where our baby would be no more.
I love the way they celebrate Day. Our daughter lived for 10 days before she passed away. So each year, starting on her birthday, our families and friends do something special for every day that she was alive. For example, wearing pink one day, blowing bubbles another and day 10, everyone will release balloons at the same time, no matter where they are in the state, country or world.