Apologies for leaving you hanging three months—a quarter of a year!—to find out if Sasha ever got back in the tub again. It took about a third of that time to get it to happen and there have been a lot of other intense things in the meantime that have made it impossible for me to post, including: a move—immediately preceded by a prolonged 104+ fever (her) and immediately followed by strep throat (me), more refusing to poop (her); screaming and kicking and refusing to bathe (her); sitting in the tub naked playing with bath toys and talking about how fun it is (uh, me); intentional peeing on the rug (her); methodical ripping of a favorite book (her); and a hitting, spitting, and biting one’s mom in the ass phase (me . . . no, just kidding, her). We are on the tail end of it all and I am finally starting to feel like I can see the faint twinkling of the shortest part of this LST.
I mentioned in previous posts that I was talking to a social worker about the poop in the tub thing and as you can imagine from that litany above, our conversations got pretty involved over time and eventually crossed over from the realm of Fascinating Research for My Blog to the realm of Things I’d Rather Keep Private. But there is a big thing I want to share, which is: I think the hardest part about the transition from babyhood to toddlerhood, for me, has been the shift from saying yes to just about everything and attempting to satisfy every need to saying no to just about everything and setting concrete limits. I don’t know exactly when this shift happens. Maybe around walking? Talking? I got a lot of great feedback from the social worker about the toddler-mother relationship, and maybe the thing that offered me the most relief was hearing her say that most of your time as the mother to a toddler is spent either getting them to do what they don’t want to do OR getting them not to do what they want to do. When I heard that this was normal, I felt a little less crazy for spending the majority of my days in these pursuits.
Regarding the bath, I finally just got fed up with trying to sponge bathe Sasha on the bath mat. One day I just said, “Sorry, you’re taking a bath tonight. This is what people do. They get dirty and they wash. You are a person. You are dirty from playing in actual dirt today. You will wash.” Of course, she put up a fight, and we had to basically force her in the tub, which didn’t feel good. But somehow, even though she wouldn’t sit down, we kept her in that tub. The next day, with some coaxing, she sat down in the water. The coaxing was probably something along the lines of, “This is how people take baths. They sit down.” I find myself saying things like that without even thinking now. This is what people do. Or don’t do. People don’t give you milk when you whine. People who lie face down in the exit of the grocery store don’t get to go to the grocery store with their moms. And, with some repetition and the right tone, it works most of the time.
She how much she likes it now?
Because there have been more limits around here, I’ve also made an effort to give Sasha some clear control over some things. Like, I try as much as possible to play follow-the-leader type games, where she’s the leader. Or, on Fridays when I pick her up from school, she gets to decide where we go and what we do. (Usually this means a two-part adventure, involving collecting small items that fall from trees and getting a treat—a cookie or bagel or orange lollipop.)
We talk (or I talk?) a lot about using your words when you’re angry and taking deep breaths and crying it out. There was one time this summer when Sasha actually cried through her anger, finally stopped, and said, “Mommy, I’m happy now.” We had a little celebration about that. Sasha also has a pillow that sits against a wall, where she knows she can go if she needs to cool down, and she knows it’s safe to punch it if she really needs to hit something.
If you are into early childhood psychology and feel up for reading something on the clinical side, check out The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant. It spells out what the hell is going on with your kid during this confusing stage (from birth till three years) and gives some fascinating and scary examples of how seemingly normal relationships can get very complicated.
The last thing I’ll leave you with about this LST is a little more wisdom from the social worker. She said something to me along the lines of, Don’t strive for perfect days; strive for perfect moments. Ever since I’ve had that in the back of my mind, the perfect moments have become more and more plentiful. Some days are better than others. But just trying to savor the perfect moments as they’re happening has made me much more sane. Here’s one:
On a hot rainy day in August Sasha and I were trapped in the house all day. The rain seemed to be letting up so I threw on our shoes, grabbed an umbrella, and we made a run for the car with the intention of going to go to the library. It started pouring again almost as soon as we got outside and the umbrella barely helped. But we sprinted (as much as one can sprint with a toddler), both of us yelling dramatically, “Oh no! Oh no!”—one of Sasha’s favorite things to scream. By the time I got Sasha in her car seat it was hailing—hailing!—so I pulled the door shut and stayed in back with her. The sky darkened to that shade of gray-green that you usually only see when a hurricane is coming. Hail balls attacked the roof of the car, the windshield. It was so loud we had to shout to hear each other. It reminded me of my wedding, also drowned in a summer hail storm. And when I say drowned, I mean that in the most romantic, thrilling way.
It was a hail storm that intoxicated everyone that was there. And it made for the best dance party I’ve ever been to, where people who didn’t usually dance danced solo in the middle of a circle or with someone twice their age (or on a pole!). So I sat there in the car with Sasha, laughing with her about this crazy hail—a little afraid but mostly ecstatic, thinking about a day when she didn’t exist but which was also a direct line to her existence. And we called her dad and held the phone up to the window so he could hear the relentless pelting of ice on metal, with us, as we waited for whatever was next.
P.S. She threw her last pacifier in the garbage this morning!
How is everyone doing? Any new LSTs to report?
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11 Responses to Yes Shit: The Long Overdue Conclusion
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Thanks for the update, I really enjoyed reading this. The “savor the nice moments” advice is great. As the mother of 3 yr old and a 5 month old girls, we’re having lots of those moments, but without intentionally thinking about them as they happen they can get lost in the day full of “no” and “be gentle!” and screaming matches.
“…most of your time as the mother to a toddler is spent either getting them to do what they don’t want to do OR getting them not to do what they want to do.”
THANK YOU for passing along this piece of advice. It is a huge relief to me to hear that this is normal. My son will be two and a half this week, and I feel like so much of my time with him is a battle. Since I work full-time, our entire morning involves me pushing him through the “eat breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth, get out the door and into the car seat” routine. There’s only so much I can do to make it fun… there’s only so much time I have to let him try to dress himself before we’re late. When we get home, most of the evening is devoted to dinner, bath, and bedtime. The night time routine is far more enjoyable and flexible, but it’s still exhausting. I’m 30 weeks pregnant with twins right now, and when I think about trying to manage this challenging toddler stage while recovering from birth and taking care of two babies, I usually start sobbing uncontrollably.
Wow, Cat, I feel for you! From what I hear, 3 is so much better than 2.5. I can’t imagine what it’ll be like to have two 2.5-year-olds running around. Anyone with experience with this want to comment?
i heard that 3 is 2 with street smarts… makes me not so sure it’s something to look forward to. however i have a school friend with a 2.5 year old boy and twin 4.5 month olds (one of each) and her facebook feed seems quite positive
i’ve got a 2.5 year old and a 4mth old and i feel like all i do is breastfeed the little man and say ‘no’ or ‘be gentle’ to his sister. i feel like the bad guy most of the time b/c daddy gets to swan in at the end of the day and turn the telly on or play whatever insanely repetitive/incredibly noisy/massively messy game is flavour of the minute. he is most definitley the most popular parent at the moment.
after a particulary screamy, whiny scrub down in the bath last night she told me that she was scared of me… seemingly forgotten a few moments later by her, i was still thinking about it as i fell asleep and some more today. am i too worried about the dried skin behind her ears to be fun? do i take myself too seriously to be silly? do i say ‘no’ to avoid her games too much because i’m actually busy or because i just. don’t. want. to. does that make me a bad mum? i’m trying for the perfect moments, but i think that i’m sabotaging myself by trying to avoid the very situations that will create them. i feel like i know what’s wrong but i can’t force myself to take the steps i think might fix the problem.
we’re going to start trying to toilet train soon… from the massively unfavorable response to the potty so far i’m a little scared that i may need your collective wisdom on toddler poo witholding
Anna, sounds like you could benefit from talking to a pro who knows what she’s talking about or joining a mama group led by such a person. Doing this really helped to center me and give me some perspective about what to expect from myself, not only from my relationship with my daughter. And…I have no idea what I’m talking about with the potty, but all of my friends with older kids (and my pediatrician) recommend taking it slow if your kid doesn’t seem to be ready. With Sasha, I talk about using the potty a lot–what it means to grow up, how it feels good to still be a baby sometimes, the thrill of underpants and no more diaper rash, etc., but I’ve been trying not to be pushy about it. I know many people have had success with other methods, but I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you find that your kid isn’t ready and you’re OK with that, you can probably take this off your list of things to worry about for the time being.
“…most of your time as the mother to a toddler is spent either getting them to do what they don’t want to do OR getting them not to do what they want to do.” That was my favorite quote too! I love being reassured that this is indeed what we are supposed to be doing.
Toddlers and preschoolers are tough!
There was a mom blogger a few months back who wrote about how she could never treat her child in a mean way (she was judging another mother in a situation she saw). Her child was not yet a toddler and she got a lot of smirky feedback from mom bloggers with older kids (you may have read the blog and the responses). I remember her saying something along the lines of “How can you be mean to someone you love? You don’t treat your spouse or other loved ones like that.” After a particularly grating day with my four year old I remember thinking “If my husband acted like this I am sure I would be mean to him too!”
We are expecting another one at the beginning of next year but my job as a night shift labor/postpartum nurse does not allow me to forget the difficulty of that period. Every time I go to work I get to watch it dawn on mothers and dads what is in store for them during that longest shortest time. As hard as toddlerhood was, infancy still gives it a run for its money.
Thanks for the interesting and reassuring post!
Sara T, the advice I’ve gotten re: being “mean” to your kids is: Don’t think of setting limits (and being firm, even angry at times, about those limits) as bring mean; think of it as HELPING your child learn how to be a likable person in society. Nobody wants to be friends with a person who hits or bites or screams their head off when they don’t get what they want.
You are amazing! I hope you know that.
I just found you via a link on facebook about the spd video. Great, amazing stuff here! I wanted to comment briefly about the potty – I have 3 children ages 4 and under… 2 of them are potty experts. They each had a different timeliness but they had to want to use the potty. For us, no amount of coercion or bribery worked. It is one Major Thing that they have complete control over and how they want that to be is up to them. We can help by using appropriate terms, not reacting in a big way about accidents or diapers or successes, and helping support their interest. We will see what happens with baby, though.
Good luck!
Cat- I became mom to two babies nine months apart (one was adopted at birth) and I am not going to lie- it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The way it worked was by getting through each minute. Once that minute was over, I focused on the next minute. It seems like someone was always always crying (and sometimes it was me). But after awhile (months?) I could focus on bigger segments of time, like getting through the morning. I have been a stay-at-home parent for most of it so I can’t give much advice about getting out the door… we still got out the door but it wasn’t on a stress schedule. Get support of any kind that you can.
My 3 yr old pooped in the tub a little over a year ago and was scared of baths for months afterward, probably partly because I sort of freaked out when she did it so I think I scared her more than the poop did. Anyways, she wouldn’t take a bath without one of us in the tub with her. My husband would sit in the tub and she’d sit on his lap and I’d bathe her. It was annoying. Then one day I took a shower in her shower and she kept pulling the curtain back, so finally I just sat down and made it a bath and after that, baths were awesome again. She also likes showers though, and we have a stand up shower stall, so that was helpful in keeping her clean.
As for potty training, we started reading potty books LONG before we got her a potty. A sticker chart and a snowstorm that kept me home for 4 days to continually reinforce the behavior finally made it click. Now she’s almost completely independent! It’s awesome.