The Longest Shortest Time

Doing It For, uh, Her

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Back in the beginning, when things were really dark and I was living on an air mattress, there were little pockets of bliss when Sasha started flashing her “social smile.” I could get her to do it maybe 3 or 4 times in a row by smiling big at her and asking, “Do you have smiles for Mama? How ’bout another?” Then the crying-trying-to-get-her-to-sleep-crying-nursing-pumping-bottle-feeding-supplementing-with-formula cycle would begin again. I wish I could say the getting her to smile routine was for her—because I wanted her to feel moments of happiness. But the truth is, it was all for me. I had this terrifying feeling that without those smiles I would cease to exist. So I made sure every day that I planned on working in a few minutes of something that would make me happy.

These days there is more happiness than despair, but I still notice myself doing things that I pretend are for her but are really for me. Oh, she’s been cooped up in the house too much lately, I’ll think. I need to take her for a walk. But then I find myself walking straight to the wine store at a quick pace to pick something up for the nights when my husband is traveling for work. Or I’ll buy her a new book or bust out a toy that’s a little beyond her ability—to challenge her, right?—but really it’s because I’m tired of all her same old books and toys.

Next week’s podcast episode is about the boredom that sets in for stay-at-home moms once the chaotic very early days are past. I’m not alone in this, right? Tell me the things you’ve done to get through hard or lonely times with your little one. Please?

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